NB: this post contains complaints and general whining about babies/motherhood. Sensitive readers be aware!
I’m having a bit of a crisis. Mum-crisis. I guess it’s just dawn on me how hugely different life is going to be with someone so dependant on you. You can’t think about it too much though, I realise. And I know I’ve been lucky; Aiden sleeps “normally” for a baby and he’s quite content and happy in general and I’ve had the luxury of having Jon home most of the time (he’s part-time studying Swedish). So I’ve got some respite and there’s been 2 of us. But being the one breast-feeding and constantly listening to all noises during the nights does make the burden very uneven at this stage. I feel so tied down and that I only have one purpose with my life. I have to keep remind myself that it is only very temporary.
Almost 4 months of sleeping a maximum of four hours (once or twice that has happened) in a stretch in a night, is taking its toll. And breast-feeding (read; being sucked dry of all energy) can be really hard (although I’m liking the weight loss). Everything out of the ordinary adding to the stress and the feeling of being constantly on duty, just makes me want to cry right now. I know it will pass, I know some more sleep will sort me out and I know it’s because he’s been particularly hungry and sad because of a stuffy nose recently. But I just need to whine a little bit…
Another thing that is very strange and not logical with this whole motherhood thing, is this feeling of wanting to tell everyone how hard it is – because they must know you’re not flying through it all, but at the same time making a point out of your baby being a very good baby and that you’ve been lucky, he’s sleeping etc. Why is that?!
I hate other moms complaining over perfectly normal baby behaviour, but I still find myself doing the same thing sometimes. And also wanting credit for how awesome I’m dealing with it. Is it hormones? What is this strange behaviour? Does it pass at some point? Or is my baby trying to kill me very slowly..?