Oh no, I think I’m doing what I didn’t want to do. Putting too much pressure on myself during this time I really should a) enjoy and b) give Aiden as a good start.
My personality is not really a passive one. Whether I like it or not I’m performance centered. I can’t just sit down and enjoy the silence, the moment. My mind always travels to what needs doing and I start working. Whether it’s stuff around the house, stuff on the computer, letters to be written or phone calls to be rung.
It’s only been four weeks and I’m already thinking work, future living and physical challenges. It’s like I can’t help it. I’m building to-do lists and getting in a bad mood when they’re not getting ticked off. That the hours of the day aren’t enough.
They shouldn’t be either, enough I mean, if you have a 4 week old baby. And you shouldn’t stress about it. I should be happy to get up and shower and feed myself and Aiden.
But problem is, I don’t feel happy about it. I don’t want to leave the house for a walk or drive, as I feel that’s all we can do then and I’d rather work on my to-do list. But I do force myself out. Because I think I should drop all have-to’s. I’m on maternity leave. I might not have got any money to live on yet, and I might read or hear about women going back really quickly to work, especially self-employed ones. But it’s my maternity leave and I can’t let it go to waste by living in the future rather than the present.
Besides reality will hit us soon. Jon has an interview on Wednesday, well it’s more of a chat with his old employer in the UK about a position here in Sweden. And today he received a letter saying he got a spot at a class learning Swedish later in September. So we really should enjoy this time together.